Am I the Only One Continually Miffed by Celebrities?
By TizzieLizzie. Filed in Uncategorized |Tags: bristol palin, celebrities, celebrity pregnancies, drunk driving, dui, heather locklear, jamielynn spears, jon gosselin, jude law, kanye west, kendra wilkinson, kourtney kardashian, lady gaga, mel gibson, mischa barton, pregnant, shia labeouf, wtf
So I’ve been thinking. And by thinking I mean reading celebrity gossip blogs because I can’t seem to get myself motivated to actually do anything productive. I pretend it’s research for my job, which actually does entail having a good working knowledge of pop culture. Anywho.
This is not a particularly timely theme, but something that I’ve thought about for a while. Celebrities are ridiculous. Obviously. Even beyond the mind-boggling outbursts of mental deficiency a la Kanye, the textbook douchebaggery of Jon Gosselin, or the walking piece of LSD-inspired performance art that is Lady Gaga. Of course they are outrageous. I’m talking about the ones more along the “scandal” edge of things. I just don’t even understand how half of this shit happens. We’ll see if I can explain.
Ridiculously common celebrity scandal occurrence numero uno: Whoopsie I’m Preggers
This is the one that gets me the most. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Seriously. Wow. I don’t get how ANY unplanned pregnancies happen among the famous.
People! You are famous and presumably rich. Can you not enlist your personal assistant/agent/whoever to crush up some Yaz in your OJ every morning? Can you not have a member of your entourage whose sole purpose is to be Guy With Many Condoms At All Times? (Dear Jude Law, LOOK INTO THIS. I promise it will be cheaper than maintaining even more Baby Mommas) Perhaps even a personal gyno to change your freaking NuvaRing if you are too big and important to do it yourself? Honestly, folks. Isn’t there someone out there who can give some sort of Celebrity Sex-Ed class? Maybe that’s my calling in life. I think I’ll call my seminar “The Celebrity Fertility Phenomena: Yes, You Too Can Get Knocked Up/Knock Someone Up, Just Like the Little People!” It will be shocking and revolutionary. If only Kourtney Kardashian had known.
Ridiculously common celebrity scandal occurrence numero drei: Oh Noes, Everyone Saw My Business When I Purposefully Did Not Wear Panties!
Dear Lindsay, Paris and Britney,
I know it’s been a while since this happened, water under the bridge, drafts under your too-short skirts etc etc. But still! Y’all made this way too common a phenomenon, and also almost acceptable. By the way, NOT ACCEPTABLE. I would like to simply reiterate a few things that I would like to make sure you remember. Ahem.
A) Panties are your friends. They are called underwear because you are SUPPOSED to wear them UNDER your clothes. Genius, right?
B) Visible panty line = sooooo much better than visible coochie. I promise.
C) Learn how to exit/enter a car gracefully while wearing a skirt – this is just general good practice. First tip: SHUT YOUR GD LEGS.
Thanks, toodles and hope I never see your ladybits ever again.
Ridiculously common celebrity scandal occurrence numero trois: What Do You Mean I Can’t Drive When I’m Trashed?
DUIs, man. Dubbleyoo tee eff. In general I am a of the persuasion “you drive drunk, you deserve to be socked in the face and then have your unconscious form defecated upon.” But, again, what the crap? How is this so prevalent among wealthy and well-known people?
HEY CELEBRITIES, FAME DOES NOT MAKE YOU INSTA-SOBER BEHIND THE WHEEL. Come on, kids. Really. If you wanna go out and get shit-faced, fine. Kudos. Remember that part where you are rich and famous again? That thing that doesn’t make you immune to DUIs? Guess what it CAN get you? If you guessed B) free license to flash your vag, you are WRONG WRONG WRONG. If you guessed A) a personal designated driver – DING DING DING you just won not getting a DUI. Congrats. Now get your drunk self home without embarrassing yourself, or running anyone or anything over. Or insulting Jews. (*cough*Mel*cough*) Or breaking your wrist. (*cough*Shia*cough*)
Maybe I should devise a combination seminar for people like Nicole Richie. “Drinking, Drivers, Doing It and You: Why You Should Hire a Reponsible Adult to Review Your Decision-Making When You Can Afford One”
/endrandomrant